from.ashes.to.beauty - that's.my.Father's.love.for.me

2007-07-30T08:03:00.000-07:00

Don't speak

Take away the noise that grates on my nerves
Strip away the silence that taunts my mind
Untangle the fears strangling this heart
Erase the voices I do not want to hear
Dissolve this mysterious anger burning in me
I do not understand it
Cover me protect me
From them and from myself
Help me walk straight
As I grope blindly in this shroud of darkness that
consumes my thoughts
I don't want
to go any further
I can't afford
to spiral down this dark tunnel
Lift me up
and give me a way out
Now

2007-06-12T07:07:00.001-07:00

That night we stood
in a long embrace
head to head
heart to heart
wordless and grieved

For a moment i thought
how wonderful it would be
if we could turn back time
eight, nine years back

To the days when our hearts knew no sorrow
and our eyes saw only the sweet of life
when we lived in the bliss of ignorance and naivety
and tickled ourselves silly with childish jokes and games
That gleeful laughter still rings faintly in my mind
with memories of pleated white skirts
and dusty classroom tables

But then i thought
sweet as that may be
we would never grow
and we would never learn so deeply
the value of life
of love
and the faithfulness of god that remains
when everything is stripped away
we would not know the hope that he brings
when our light has flickered out
or the comforting touch of his love
when the pain of loss ravages our hearts
we would never experience how he mends a broken heart
or how he lifts a spirit so crushed
i would not have seen
the strength and faith the both of you have
in times of tragedy and adversity

so as we stood there
head to head
heart to heart
wordless and grieved
i silently thanked god
because i knew in that moment of great loss
he was watching over us
he knew the condition of each of our hearts
every fear and every pain
every helplessness and yearning
he had watched us forge this friendship
at a time when we had everything
seen us walk our separate paths
as we pursued our different dreams
through it all
he was our friend, our hope,
our shelter, our refuge
our guide, our comforter
our provider
our savior
our Father
And He continues to be
regardless of our circumstance

To you i say
your father sits by His side with his crown of victory
smiling and radiant
finally free from the wrecking pain
basking in the love of the One who died for him

And to you i say
he is in His hands
He will provide strength for this battle
grace for the family
and love that dispels all fear

Please be strong
I'm praying for you everyday
And i'm always here
my line is open to the both of you 24-seven
I love you both so dearly
Please take good care of yourselves

Love,
Peng

on my 19th birthday @ hardrock cafe

sending pok off at the airport

2007-05-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

My consuming passion
is You

My object of admiration
I stand in awe and wonderment
The richness of your love
The fullness of your glory
Your grace that abounds so undeservedly
And washes me over to make me clean
Your faithfulness that lifts me on your wings of love
When my weary feet can journey no more
You cause inexplicable joy to arise within me
You put in my mouth songs of praise
Let me dwell in your Presence all my days

2007-05-25T09:08:00.001-07:00

my love :)

Happy 4 years & 4 months.
From the bottom of my heart, i love you.

2007-04-25T00:47:00.000-07:00

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

From the Inside Out
by Hillsong United

2007-04-16T02:40:00.000-07:00

白色的风筝
安静的纯真
真实的感觉
梦境般遥远
甜甜的海水
复杂的眼泪
看你傻笑着
握住我的手
梦希望没有尽头
我们走到这就好
因为我不想太快走完这幸福
很可惜没有祝福
但爱你并不孤独
不会再让你哭
我陪你走到最后
能不能不要回头
你紧紧地抱住我
说你不需要承诺
你说我若一个人会比较自由
我不懂你说什么
反正不会松手
我陪你走到最后
能不能别想太多
会不会手牵着手
晚一点再到尽头
你说不该再相见只为了瞬间
谢谢你让我听见
因为我在等待永远

-周杰伦

白色风车

2007-04-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

Am gleefully impressed with you!
Heeheeheee you were awwwwesome.
But yep, i know it was God's favor as well. Regardless of the outcome, i'm still darn impressed. I could never have done what you did today.

2007-04-01T09:10:00.001-07:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-03-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

A short post.

would like to express my heartfelt appreciation for a few people, in no particular order..

1. jac - for being the sensitive friend you are and always lending a listening ear. for deliberately making time for me despite your busy schedule. thank you :)

2. wei - for being my faithful and patient boyfriend and for always being there for me, rain or shine. for your thoughtfulness in the big and little things alike. for loving me.

3. kex - for bringing colour to my days, and for carrying my barang around when i'm sick or tired. for being especially nice to me :)

4. tauge & pok- for your prayers and encouragement. despite the distance, i know you keep me close at heart. i'm thankful for our friendship.

i'm blessed to have you guys in my life.
extremely blessed.

2007-03-16T03:07:00.001-07:00

please pray for my grand dad.

2007-03-05T06:04:00.000-08:00

The slippery slope entices me with its enchanting terrain
As I curiously step forth, a captive of its beauty.

2006-12-01T02:03:00.000-08:00

i have...

Cash
$42.00

Fixed asset
Feet: 2
Body: 1
Ears: 2

Inventory:
Shoes: 1230
Clothing: 12389380
Earrings: 124032879508204000

or do i really?
cmon baby, let's audit it.

i have just a few million pages left of audit to plough through before 9am tmr... no sweat at all.

2006-12-01T01:02:00.000-08:00

today, money dropped from the sky.

no seriously, $42.00 dropped from the sky right onto my lap.

but i shan't say how i got it... its erm, nothing to be proud of.

(ps. i didn't steal, i didn't gamble, and i didn't sell myself)

haven't decided what i should do with the money... it's been ages since i got this lucky! or maybe god knew how horribly cash-strapped i am. all the birthdays are impoverishing me.
ahhhhhhhh MONEHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mwahahhaha

2006-11-19T02:07:00.000-08:00

I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side
I can only imagine, what my eyes will see, when Your Face is before me
I can only imagine, I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine, I can only imagine.

I can only imagine, when that day comes, when I find myself standing in the Son.
I can only imagine, when all I will do, is forever, forever worship You.
I can only imagine, I can only imagine.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still?
Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine! Yeah! I can only imagine!

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel?

I Can Only Imagine
MercyMe

2006-11-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt little?

I feel little.

Really little.

2006-11-08T03:05:00.000-08:00

until today, i didn't realize what was festering in me.

i need to get a grip, and i need to get away.

2006-11-01T08:57:00.000-08:00

ba-ba-dam-ba-dam-ba-ba-dam-ba

ohhh........... how your pride really gets to me.

i wish i didnt have to see this side of you.

negatives aside, to my cyberboyfriend: i can't wait to talk to you tmr! ahahhahaha.... i told your mum the weather's cold there and you need a jacket. but she didn't get the hint... she just said you were daft to bring your useless adidas jacket there. and she said she sent some other jacket over to you already. so no new jacket for you! i tried though.

2006-10-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing's going to get me down now........ it's time to stop living like a victimized pauper... i choose to live in the glory and splendour of His Promises.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10: 10

2006-10-19T01:27:00.000-07:00

At sketches with da girls.. Meina left just before we took this group shot.. This is arguably the most normal picture we took.

A word of advice: NEVER let anyone take a picture of you with Siying's camera. it's scary. you will prolly get to see every micro-droplet of oil on your face, if not then open pores and nostril hair HAHA (private joke)

anyway... its confirmed....... i'm losing weight... help... they're disappearing......
i dunno what to do man. i feel like a shrivelling prune with succulent thighs.

Shoutout to POK: hey girl i received your lovely birthday gift! :)) was really delighted to hear from you... sent smses to you on 2 separate occasions but you didn't reply so i'm kinda worried.. don't know if its just cuz im having the sms problem again or you're not alright and stuff.. so yup, drop me an sms, email or tag my blog or something k? just wanna know if you're ok.

2006-09-28T02:51:00.001-07:00

It's hard when you need him, but he isn't there.
It's hard when the sky is suddenly overcast, and nobody knows it's raining on you.
It's hard when you try to reach out to him, but circumstances disallow it.
It's hard to keep smiling when sometimes all you want to do is cry.
It's hard to be understanding and encouraging when i feel sad and crippled.

But where i fail, God prevails.

Lord, when i don't have the strength to walk on, please carry me through.
When i don't have the courage to face the world, be my shield, be my armour.
When i can't hold back the tears, heal the wound in my soul.

Because apart from You, I just can't go on.
Please help me. I'm broken.

Farewell dinners

2006-09-26T06:35:00.000-07:00

2006-09-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

So here we stand
Anchored in hope
Letting the rain wash away every fear

Stars in the sky
Twinkle and shine
I pray they wont disappear

'cause I dont know
where your journey goes
or how long it takes to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I will be watching over every beat of your heart

I wish that time
Could be replayed
I'd keep you here with me everyday

They say that love is letting go
I hope that you find your way

'cause i dont know
where your journey goes
or how long it will take to unfold
But as long as we keep this moment shining in the dark
I know you're watching over every beat of my heart

Corrine May - Every Beat of my Heart

2006-09-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, my lover.

2006-09-15T21:42:00.000-07:00

Breaking free from my prejudice.

It casts a whole new light, untainted by unfounded negativity that decays the soul.

I'm free :)

2006-09-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

To everyone who made my surprise birthday party possible:

Thank you. I am overwhelmed.

More than anything, it was a reminder of how much i am loved and cherished by all of you, and an opportunity for me to tell you what each of you meant to me, and express my heartfelt graditude for every one of you in that room.

Thank you for your presents, but more so for your prescence.

Special mention for my family-dad, mum and qin for putting up with all my crap all these 21 years, and for loving me in the most unconditional ways. I love you I love you and I love you.

Also for weiwei, who initiated this whole effort, i am deeply grateful for you. For your love and friendship all these years. For loving me the way you do. Thank you.

I could go on thanking everyone all over again, but I don't want to repeat the individual thank yous i made that day all over again or i'll probably sound like the grandnanny of the century.

I just thank all of you for making my 21st birthday a heartfelt and unforgettable memory.

Thank you.

To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ:
Thank you for your faithfulness to me all these years of my life. For planting such precious people around me to love me and love in return. Thank you for being my source of strength, hope and joy. You are my Father, best friend, comforter, shelter, healer. You are everything to me, and I surrender everything to You because You make everything beautiful.

Psalm 139:13

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

2006-05-04T02:59:00.000-07:00

some belated pictures..

wei's surprise party many moons ago! strange thing, i recall being at the party, but i'm missing in all the pictures i took.

church guys (from left): david, ben, wei, eugene, jerry

from left: john, zhihao, wei. er, think it was zhihao's bday on the day of the party itself. hence the pose.

the masterminds & wei: eric, shawn, wei, alexis, john

don't ask.

Moving on, last night was siying's surprise party! it does seem like springing surprise parties is becoming the trend these days, doesn't it? All i can say is that it takes alot of effort (and monehh) to plan a surprise party and carry it through to perfection, and the surprisee should thank his/her lucky stars for having such sincere and loving friends.

'nuff said, let's have a look at the party last night yes? the sports class girls who made it were shan, wen, yvonne, en, and i.. missed talking to them--afterall, it's been ages since i last met up with them.

Proudly presenting......my friends in their natural form.

From top to bottom, left to right: wen imitating some frumpy person, siying trying to grab my boobs, yvonne flashing her green tongue (from a smint sweet), siying mining her ear, yvonne telling me to stop taking her photos, wen's flying hand across my face, en pointing at someone (i can't remember), wen conducting a commentary on the channel 8 nine o'clock show actress who has an on-screen affair with edmund chen. specifically, on the size of her nostrils. finally, a shot of me in my new haircut without any flying objects hurtling before my face.

the girls according to height, the lovely birthday girl

siying and i, wen and i

chloe was at the party too! plus, my ex-trackmate, who's still super-zai at track, miss huijing!

actually did a comic strip of yvonne and the food but decided against it just in case she bites me and her braces get stuck in my flesh.

am looking forward to tomorrow! will be seeing the girls again.. i think pao and sheena will be there which is great cuz i haven't seen them in a while!

pok, your presence is dearly missed by all of us. luvya & take care of yourself.

2006-05-01T03:52:00.000-07:00

sorry mian only just saw the tag on your blog.. so here goes the 2 quizzes you requested! :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quiz #1 Rules:

1. Bold the following words that are true about you (italics: sometimes true).
2. GREEN! the things you wish were true.
3. add one thing true about you
4. and then tag onetwothreefourFIVE more people.

I miss somebody right now
I don't watch TV these days (couldn't be further from the truth)
I own lots of books (textbooks)
I wear glasses or contact lens.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I've been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse sometimes. (but i've been good for the most part :) )
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someones' bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost and scar-free. (if you really wanna know, i'd get my legs lipo-sucked and my bust lipo-pumped)
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really,really fast/unclear.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have alot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have alot of friends.
I am currently single!
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
Enjoy window-shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
I want to have children in the future. (labour pain, stretch marks and permanently enlarged tummies scare me. Plus i CANNOT stand it when kids cry. I TOTALLY CANNOT STAND IT. but then again i guess i have a responsibility to continue my husband's legacy. ugh.)
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend or crush in the past.
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I have dated a close friend's ex.
I am happy at this moment! (well. quite only. am still bored out of my socks.)
I'm obsessed with guys.
Democrat.
I am punk rockish.
I am preppy.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I can work on a car.
I love my job. (not workin' yet)
I am comfortable with who I am now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can. (so true, i even walk barefooted in the GSRs during project meetings!)
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at MacDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules. (this doesn't really make sense, but heck, it sounds acceptable to me)
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the wrong people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers more than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongues in waves, much like a snakes slithers. (this is just gross.)
I have ridden/owned a horse. (hey mian i think i rode a horse together with you!)
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distraction.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring. (so ah lian)
I have a tattoo. (even more ah lian)
I can't stand at LEAST one person I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.
I have ridden an elephant. (hey mian i rode an elephant with you too! lol)
I love chocolates and crowns!
I go to school NOT for the sake of lessons.
I can't ride a bicycle.
I think i'm the only person crazy enough to do this at 6 in the morning without any sleep for the night.
I feel crazy.
I love tomatoes!!
I like peanut butter on bananas.
Been told "You're on fire!"
I'm a netballer.
I believe in Serendipity.
I think the word 'RASPBERRY' is sexaaay!
I love to look at people's teeth.
I don't wanna grow up.
I can cross my eyes n stick out my tongue n still look cute. (HAHA)
Gaining weight is a wonderful thing. (you're nuts)
I am a PRO.
I love listening to gossip.
I really should be studying for exams now.
I totally love cheezels.
I can eat as much as a guy.
I want to b a part-time musician wen im older! lincoln brewster, my current inspiration.

Mine: My brother's chest is bigger than mine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quiz #2 Rules:

-write something about 5 different people.
-you CANNOT say who they are.
-if someone asks which is about them, you CANNOT tell.
-it might be you, it might not be.
-in no particular order.
-tag people to do this.

among my friends, you understand me the most, and we've weathered many storms together. you provide me warmth and have never judged me for my mistakes, which is why i bare my heart to you. Thank you for your friendship all these years. you're in my prayers.
we grew up together and you survived my tyranny. you'll always be the apple of my eye and a person i'm instinctively protective of. you might not know this, but you are in many ways my role model. i hope life's treating you well. i miss you.
you love me despite my laziness and occasional rudeness. before i even knew you or had the capability to love, you cared for me and provided for my every need. such unconditional love. you never ordained my path for me--you let me explore my capabilities and make my own choices, but your watchful eyes never left me--you were always there to keep me from harm. nothing can repay your love and kindness towards me. i can only honor the both of you and do my best to make you proud.
you are sensitive, caring, and always ask me how things are going. you're one of the closest friends i have. yet i think i've done nothing for you at all. sometimes i really wish i have the chance to contribute something back into your life.
you are dear to me, but i've never been able to fully comprehend what dwells within your innermost thoughts, because you guard them vigilantly. i've always held you close to my heart, and have shared many happy moments with you, but i've also neglected you and let you down on more than one occasion. sometimes i'm apprehensive to ask about what you think, for the fear of being purposefully shut out by you. i think we have differing opinions and values, but i'm careful not to impose my opinions on you, because i know full well that your free and spirited nature would resent such treatment. but regardless of our perceived differences, you are still one of my best friends and i love and treasure you, and i certainly enjoy being in your presence.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tag, you're it!
1. jac hkmun
2. evan the man
3. siying (if you even ever blog anymore)
4. pok (when you wanna take a breather)
5. hui & siew

gosh this really took me some time! k i'm off to watch desperate housewives now! ciao!

2006-04-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

In the last 24 hours, my boyfriend has:

slept through 50% of the movie Ice Age2 and left me laughing at the sloth alone
robbed me of $x
threatened to engage his mother to sue me for defamation because he claimed point #2 is untrue
called me dumb cuz i didn't know who xxx (a supposedly very famous lawyer) was
threatened to put down down the phone in 5 seconds if i continue blogging about this
told me he was going to smack my face
sung a horribly out of tune "wo yao kuai le" by A*mei over the phone
... and the list goes on

but, i know he still loves me anyways.

2006-04-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

i'm determined.

this week. will. be. better. than. last week.

*chants* I will not be a lazy bum. I will not be a couch potato. I will be proactive. I will not think mean thoughts. I will be kind and compassionate slow to anger and rich in love. I will stop pinching the fats on my legs. I will think positive thoughts about my appearance. ~~I will stop looking at bust enhancement creams~~ (you did not see that). I will stop eating milo powder from the milo tin. I will stop feeding bread to my obese hamster. I will read the bible more and fill my head with godly wisdom. I will pray for a close friend in need daily. I will stick to my gymwork religiously. I will stop spending money on bags and shoes and all the necessities which are not really necessities. I will try to keep to the aforementioned commitments i made.

there. i'm all set for a fulfilling week ahead! :)

2006-04-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

I am bored to the core. No, seriously. EVERYONE but Me has got something on their agenda this week.

jac--> internship at pwc
sherina--> internship at deloitte
simon--> internship at deutsche bank
siying--> sports camp (mon to wed, thur immobilized ---today i nabbed her for myself)
ailin--> alternating between her waitressing, entertaining her sister and boyfriend
evan --> internship at sph
amy--> busy with the killer weeks of mod sem
the boy --> stuck in camp
sports class girls --> some havent finished with their exams
sherlynn--> in outer space

and the best thing is, my PARENTS topped it off by going off for their little holiday! oh gawd. i HATE staying in an empty house. AND and i had to do the laundry and water the ugly plants and all that dungwork.

see what i mean? seriously i wonder what's the point of having hols when there's no one to enjoy it with you. been living in solitude this week for the most part. feel like a sorry little pathetic piece of sh**. this is what i've done this week:

sunday: church, thereafter, watched pride & prejudice vcd with cww
monday: watched tv. went to swim. came back. went for dinner with little bro. came back. watched more tv.
tuesday: watched tv. went to gym. came back. watched more tv.
wednesday: watched kids central. contemplated going to gym. decided i've done enough exercise for the moment. watched more kids central. learnt to imitate elmo of sesame street. learnt to sing and dance to hi-five theme song of the day.
thursday: repeat tuesday activities
today: blogging about my exciting week. going to gym with siying. going shopping with wei. going home to watch tv.

as you can see, today's about the most eventful day of my week. i can't believe i'm going to have to live through one more week of this before my internship starts! ughhhhhhhh i'm in such a hopeless situation.

2006-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

Random Pictures.

my temporarily extraordinarily neat wardrobe, lovely bohemian earrings from evan dearie, ck watch from wei

wei & i, taken almost a year ago.

my smelly brown hamster that makes up for its stench by being extremely responsive and docile.

my autistic and i suspect, deaf, white hamster bestowed with the innate ability to monkey-bar.

a certain sunday afternoon, a symbolic white rose, a birthday surprise for the birthday boy.

two people i love.

i miss switzerland. this was exactly one year back. argh! i wanna go there for the hols again!!

my mucus-filled tissue, my two vulnerable friends beside a virus-infected me.

my sweetiepies.

been feeling rather down lately even though exams have ended.. with so much time on my hands and nothing much to do, my mind inevitably starts to wander.

am i a lousy friend? i must be, or i would have more friends to turn to. not one knows or understands or truly cares. Patronizing looks of sympathy or "it's going to be ok, don't worry" frustrate me because i see how shallow they are, and i feel trivialized. maybe it's because i bottle it all up and they don't know how i feel. maybe it's because i haven't been there for them either. maybe it's because i never offered anything to them in return for their friendship and kindness. maybe it's because i spent too much time with him and forsook them to begin with. maybe there's just something wrong with me.

i'm paying the price for it. i see my future and the consequences of my actions. when he leaves, i will lose my best friend and lover. And in place, there will be..................... no one.

maybe i'm just being too pessimistic and negative, but this one thing i know--i've never felt this alone before.

Give me the strength to journey through this valley ahead

For my companion's impending absence fills me with dread

2006-04-10T01:21:00.000-07:00

i love company law i love company law i love company law.

company law will not hurt me company law will not eat me up alive there are no lizards in my company law textbook company law is good for health company law makes the world a better place i am not afraid of company law company law is perfectly understandable lions are scarier than company law my brain is bigger than company law

i love company law i love company law i love company law.

*burns company law textbook, dissolves ashes in water, gulps it down*

2006-04-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

For those in trial and in need of enlightenment:

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life andhow things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fightingand struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new onearose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots withwater and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs,and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished thecarrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placedit in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.

The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. Thedaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter thenasked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the sameadversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, afterbeing subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected itsliquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, itsinside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were inthe boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks onyour door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or acoffee bean?"

2006-04-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

I got my tax internship @ ey!

It's not any internship.. i wanted it so badly because it was the shortest and the most timely internship out of all the Big Fo*r offers...

I didnt apply for all the other three companies cuz they extended to mid august.. and i wanted to spend time with wei before he leaves for london so i forfeited all of them, feeling rather rotten and lousy inside.

But my god is a faithful and wonderful god. He knows my needs, even when they are unspoken. He knows my inmost soul and every intricate strand of desire. Even before i applied for it, i knew in my heart that God would pave the way for me.

The internship ends on 14 july, the very date that wei starts to clear his army leave. i don't consider it a coincidence. It's an answered prayer. It's a gift God gave to me. It's the perfect gift to soothe my anxious soul.

:)

thank you abba father, for loving me.

2006-03-28T01:43:00.000-08:00

IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yippee yay! i saw the last of my projects today!! 'tis a great feelin, this is.

projects aside, yesterday was a dandy day indeed. my dad took leave to spend time with my momma, and they brought me out for lunch and dimsum at CJ, afterwhich they helped me to settle all my logistics (icky things like photocopying transcipts and certs for tmr's interview, posting pok's present out, buying contact lens solution, and replacing my lost cards hee hee) . And then, they took me spectacles shopping!! haha finally i won't suffer jac's inhumane criticism and loud snickers at my current spectacles. she says it looks like something she wore in secondary school... *rolls eyes*

SO. i got this PINK metallic frame! it takes some time adjusting to and its rather broad for my face but what the heck right, it's pink! i get excited just thinking of it. oh and if you're wondering what shade of pink it is, it's three shades darker than candy floss. er, but the colour of the sides sorta remind me of a certain type of blood.............. nevermind.

now that i have time to take a short breather, i want to show my appreciation for certain special people in my life.

Jac: working with you brightens up my days. you're such a dear dear friend to me, and what a complete goofball you are. you make me laugh :)

Wei: for making tough times so much easier with your presence and generosity. (think: loss of wallet)

Pok: i miss you....... boo hoo.

Sherina: for being a loyal friend, wonderful listener and candid individual

last but definitely not least, to my Father in Heaven, who blesses me even when i am faithless.

thats it for now. *poof*

2006-03-23T20:22:00.000-08:00

sorry i havent blogged for so long.. been kinda busy with various stuffs..... and i realise that my past few entries have been rather depressing. but here's the thing. i think i only blog when i'm at emotional extremes....say, intensely angry/sad/ecstatic/disgusted. And besides, laziness is overwhelming me, so i can't be bothered with blogging about mundane things. (unless i'm extremely bored-------which i currently am now. Reason: ethics class)

So here's my barrage of dull and mundane activity updates:

i owe some pics to charmian (CNY pics). will send/post them up when i finally feel charitable enough with my time/if she bugs me enough
going for an internship interview on wed. im just really paranoid. lots of possible scenarios running thru my mind.. a) that i might break into a stuttering spasm, b) that my palm will get so sweaty it will slither off my interviewer's hands during the handshake, c) that i will start frothing at my mouth and freak the interviewer out, d) that i'll say something really bimbotic like, "eeeeeeee!where did you get those shoeeesss!! like, oh ma gawwwwwd, they're like, SO to diieeeee for!" oh slap me. i got goosebumps just typing that out.
it's week 12!!!! yippee!!!!! the end of the term is coming! 3 more weeks my smutts, 3 more weeks. hang in there.
been going for weekly gym sessions with siying under an ex-cali gym trainer. Aim: to attain cuter butt cheeks. All you girlfriends of mine with butts hitting the floor.........be jealous. be very jealous. Days of perky butt await me. wahahhahaha
there's a very irritating surveyer ABUSING the information i provided to him. he's been sms-stalking me. And his English sucks like hell but he claims he's highly educated. Bah. if he were, he wouldnt be combing the streets as a surveyor. Come to think of it, i wonder if he's tracked down my blog by some creative way. ugh.
i lost my wallet last friday. (again)
my hamsters are getting really fat
why are there popups on my blog?? is it my laptop? or is it my blog? what's happening!!

k gotta get back to pretending im paying attention to class. :)

2006-03-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

im excited!

i see it coming!!! wahahhahahahhahahaa

2006-02-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

Like flower in full blossom,
exuding beauty and grace,
was the illusion of hope you painted for me

Like a rare gem you were,
glistening in the light.
i was bewitched by you.

Like a fish swimming upstream,
weakened by every current,
i tried my best for you

But like a rookie in a boxing ring,
probing his way around,
i was dealt blow after blow

Your forked tongue struck my heel,

i fell and couldn't get up

You brought the bitter rain down and washed out my smile

my heart could no longer rejoice

I picked up the pieces, mended my heart

looked to you with renewed hope

But your lips were laced with arsenic---
i kissed you and died.

2006-02-02T19:36:00.001-08:00

you never gave me a choice.

you never gave me a choice.

everything's about you. but have you ever considered how i would feel?

your decision would impact me the most.

yet you never consulted me.

how could you have such total disregard for my feelings?

how could you??

2006-02-01T03:38:00.000-08:00

my mum just referred to Zara as Zebra.

*chokes on saliva laughing*

2006-01-31T05:50:00.000-08:00

i finally recognize my place in your life.

forgive me for grossly overrating myself.

2006-01-31T05:24:00.000-08:00

i sought assurance but you gave me none.

stop trivializing my feelings. you don't know what i've been going through, so have you any right at all to reprimand me for my outburst?

you sowed this seed.

now you reap it.

i'm through with all this shit.

2006-01-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was our 3rd Anniversary!

So we had a simple celebration today after my class ended :)

Here's a shot of us at Marina Square today.......

As you can see he's all dreamy eyed with wonderment on this special occasion.

Ahhhhaaaaaaaaaaahahaha.

.
Ah, there. He finally snapped out of it.

.

So we went to watch local movie I not Stup*d 2 which is, for your information, worth every cent of your $8.50 or however much a movie costs these days. The show made me laugh and cry, together with probably half the audience. So it's really worth a watch.

We came out of the show feeling thoroughly satisfied with our movie choice.

.

That's a happy me.

.

Anyway, to sidetrack a little, Ailin insisted that Wei looks like Sh*wn Lee from the show.

.

Ahem, Shawn's the guy on the left.

.

Frankly, i don't see the similarity except that they both have big eyes.

After the show, we merrily proceeded for dinner at Vientai, which happened to be least crowded

(i was in a rush to get back home and watch my 9'oclock soap finale - ruyi and thomas ong finally got together yippee yay!)

Right, so where was i?

Vientai, yes, vientai.

Willya just observe the look of anticipation on Hungryman's face.

.
After a short wait, the food arrives! (Hungryman claps excitedly)
.

This is Hungryman's fried rice.
.

.

Hungryman is so overwhelmed he closes his eyes and starts to mumble incoherently.

Ok fine, he was saying grace.

er haha, sorry God, that was a joke. Happy CNY :)

.

My mushroom duck noodle!

i'm quite happy with it coz i'm a sucker for soupy dishes whenever i feel F&F (fat & flabby), which i currently do.

.

And then it was the mad rush home, so that i could catch the full one hour of my love concierge finale.

.

.
Dear: Thank you for these wonderful three years you've given me.... i've never regretted a single day, and i look forward to many more moments shared with you......

because no one else will do.

I love you.

2006-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Trade these ashes into beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of Mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

i stand in awe of Your splendour and majesty.

2006-01-03T23:49:00.000-08:00

yeah right.

2006-01-03T23:29:00.000-08:00

i am sssooo ssslluugggiiissshhhhhhh........

but im happy!

coz i feel very heck care, and i haven't felt like that in ages.
cheers to those long-living irresponsible cockroaches of slackers out there!
you've successfully converted me into a fellow parasite.

now i can let go of all my responsibilities.

yippee!

somebody catch him?

2006-01-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

i'm finally back after my yearly trip to kuching.

after a week of staying in a place where the clock ticks slower and people lumber around, i find it really hard adjusting back to the fast-paced city i live in. for one thing, school starts tomorrow and i can't remember what my timetable looks like or where i should download my lecture notes. gEE.

well, lets talk about kuching, shall we?

it's the capital of sarawak, a state in malaysia. my grandparents and relatives stay there so we go back to visit every year. i guess having stayed in singapore all my life, singapore is home to me, and kuching is but a foreign place with familar faces.

for the past week, life has been thus: bathing with COLD water be it morning or night, killing little red ants on crawling on the bed, sleeping with my nano plugged into my ears so i won't be awakened by the buzz of the mosquito flying past my ear, fully guarded with a bottle of insect repellant acting as my holy water.

well, you get the idea.

i guess i'm just paranoid... i hate insects.

on the positive side, the food was cheap and gooooooooood. Especially the seafood. and i could unwind and do quite a bit of reflection, something i've been too busy to do for too long. plus i really enjoyed the company of my family.

alrighty, time to clean the hamster cages.

2005-12-23T08:40:00.000-08:00

RE: the nokia phone four entries ago

i saw it today. it's ugly. not even comparable to the picture.

how disappointing.

nevertheless, i still stand firm in the belief that SAMSUNG SUCKS.

So there.

*smiles sweetly at shocked and defenceless dwarfed samsung users*

2005-12-23T08:28:00.000-08:00

am bushed right now.. just got one thing to say: go watch narnia!

for those who don't know, i think Aslan (the lion) is supposed to personify Jesus. and Edmund(the younger brother) is kinda like Judas the traitor. So there's really more to the story than meets the eye. yippee i liked it! [Click for Biblical Roles of Narnia Characters]

christmas is coming! bells are ringing!!! saints are singing!!! i lurrrrrrvvee Christmas!!

You died, so we might live.
Thank you jesus, for your sacrifice.

2005-12-20T06:56:00.000-08:00

am feeling better now! *breathes in fresh air*

anyway, came to post a picture! was taken at fish&co glasshouse about a week back.. these were the people who filled my secondary school days with endless fun and laughter, and here's a mini tribute to them.

Siying - my loyal, loyal friend. supposed to be my sworn sister, but we haven't sworn in. haha... a girl with a big heart, beautiful on the inside and out. (and still on the market too, haha). Someone i can talk to for hours on end, and still have more to talk about. i love you to bits.

Cuiwen - sharp and quick-witted. Always amuses me with her one-liners and humorously sarcastic comebacks. A driven girl who's fiercely focused on her goals.

Sheena - my favorite ah lian. This girl says it like it is--no beating round the bush. *pushes away pok's hair* And that's what i love bout her.. she's someone with an infectious attitude, and if i could summarize her in three words, it'd be this. She's got style.

Pok - why, this girl plays so many roles in my life i don't know where to begin. First and foremost, she's one of the closest friends i have - my confidante. Then she also mothers me. For example, she always cooks for me. Be it at Seoul Garden where i'm rendered helpless before the stove, or boiling instant noodles at my house because the noodles i cook always turn out rubbery. Also, she's the all-time favorite target of my jokes, because she's never able to defend herself in an intelligent manner. Anything she says in defence just snowballs the joke. Thanks for all the years of friendship you've given me.

Yvonne - the cutest boy-girl i know. Always cracks me up with her antics. Darling of the group, and now missing a tooth. Haha. We'd never be complete without you.

Shan - A girl who's easy to love, because she offers a smile for everyone. And a smile right from her heart too. I love her for her easy-going character, and fun-loving attitude. It's never quiet with her around.

Well, that's about it.. pao & en, we missed you at the gathering! i'm gonna crash out now......

nitenite!

2005-12-17T07:11:00.000-08:00

Am sucking a ribena bloodpack now.

anyway, i actually wanted to blog about 2 things:

1. Something about my brother.. but he forbids me to blog about him... it's a pity, coz i even took photographs... sigh.

2. Relationships falling apart when the guy enters uni.

Well, it seems that given the above restrictions, i can only blog about Point No. 2, so here goes.

It all started when about half an hour ago. I logged onto my friendster account, and being the bored and boliao person i currently am, i was randomly viewing profiles when i stumbled upon a startling piece of news about this guy i had a major crush on eons ago. The proclaimed love of his life for the past... three to four years or so, had just been demoted to regular friend status.

I don't really know what happened there, and i'm not particularly interested to find out. But what is more intriguing to me is the trend i'm observing in couples when one half of them enters the U.

So we all know that most girls ditch their NS boyfriends when they enter the U for various reasons. But the tale less told is that of splitups when NS boyfriends are delivered from their desert of testosterone and ushered into a nirvana of swishing skirts and sugarsweet giggles. Already i've witnessed the separation of five to six other couples within 3 months of the guy back to school. Could it be that........ the girls get insecure, leading to hyper-sensitivity, jealousness, oversuspicion, unreasonableness, frequent quarrels, in turn giving the guy the convenient pretext of fatigue to breakup? or that the guy simply transforms into a hormone raging skirt-chaser?

Sometimes, it's scary when you see all this happening, coz you don't know if it'll happen to you one day. It's even worse when he's going to a university a godzillion miles away, living with friends you don't even know. And you think to yourself, can he be trusted that much?

But i guess that's when the art of communication, trust, and faithfulness is absolutely critical.

And i should be so honored that i'll be trained to master this art next september, yes?

hell no, i feel like crap.

don't show it very much, but i do.

i'm scared out of my wits.

i cry but no one sees the tears fall.

2005-12-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

would you just check this beaauuuty out!

okay this picture really doesn't do justice to it cos it's so blurry, ugh.

take a look at this instead: http://www.nokia.com.sg/nokia/0,,83516,00.html

i love it! can't wait till it's released!

2005-12-12T03:45:00.000-08:00

i managed to skate!! haha..... eh... fell down five times, last of which gave me a nasty scrape on my elbow.. but nevertheless, it was solid fun!

apart from that...... today i learnt something:

"whatever the Lord gives to you, He also has the right to take it away."

This really straightened up my perspective, and broadened up my mindset. I had no right to be so proud and condescending about something that was bestowed to me undeservingly.

I surprise myself by finding disappointment absent, but in place discovering liberation from the chains of pride.

2005-12-11T21:02:00.000-08:00

going roller skating with my brother today... or rather, i should say i'm learning how to roller skate today.

i'm going to put on every single guard i can find.. even though i'll look like the lumpiest skater alive. as long as i don't come back with cuts and wounds, i don't care! haha..

so wish me luck! and pray i won't fall!

2005-12-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

had quite an eventful day today.

first i had a primary school class gathering... must really thank the organizers for getting hold of so many of us.. gives me a warm fuzzy feeling reminiscing about the past... relishing familar jokes and laughing over little antics of the well-loved class clowns.

Yean - one of my very best pals in qiaonan pri. she'd write sweet little notes to me, lend me nancy drew story books, laugh at stupid jokes i cracked, and help me hide chinese testpapers i flunked from my mother. she was someone i was completely comfortable with just being myself.
A gem of a friend indeed.

Mandy & Yean - we were librarians on the same shift. Haha.. yeayea i was a nerdy librarian, so what. i had tons of fun being a librarian anyway. half of the time we were zipping around the library on those OHP-trolleys. we'd take turns to sit on the trolley and push each other around the library. HAHA! (of course, while the teacher in charge wasn't around) yah... come to think of it...we were definitely librarians with some rawkin' attitude. lol.

Mandy, Lei Lei, Weiling - Mass copied Ting Xie like the ultimate master cheaters. Also the craziest bunch of people i hung out with. (esp the one on the extreme right) Cheers to many slapstick comedy moments shared. Weiling, you'll forever be the biggest lunatic i know.

6-1. How we've grown in our different ways. Yet the camaradarie we share never fails to draw us back together, fitting us like individual pieces of a puzzle to form an image that captures the essence of our picture-perfect yesteryear.

ps. i actually wanted to take many more pictures than this, but i didn't know how to work my cam properly :(

After my class gathering, i went to meet......

Mr. cww!

He looks cute in this photo doesn't he! haha.... even my mum says so. so i must be right.

so anyway, i cut my hair.

my mum says i look like a boy now.

and weiwei says "don't worry. it will grow"

and my brother just can't seem to stop gawking in disbelief.

i feel like shaving him bald.

In memory of my old hairstyle....

this was right before the haircut. when i was still a girl.

.
.
.
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after the haircut, i transformed into a boy.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

actually....... i don't think i wanna show you how i look like now. it's hideous.
maybe it will be better after a few days. just maybe. oh gawd please. it HAS to be.

anyway, it's so bad until the most decent picture i can muster of myself now is a half-faced one.

.
.

so there.

the other half of my fat face is cowardly hiding from you. go figure the damage done.

*bawls*

aight... happy things ahead though!

i'm going swimming and tanning tomorrow, and then pick out my christmas gift with wei! :)

Now which one should i pick?

1. Pale blue gstar jeans

(problem is, my chunky thighs won't obey the cutting of the jeans... argh.)

.
2. white CK watch

3. Classic black CK watch

4. Gorgeous PINK dkny watch. i was actually looking for a more round-faced leather-strapped classic style kinda watch, since my current dk is kinda dressy, metallic and square...... but isn't this watch just...... just.... beautiful? it's wonderfully pink too. hahaaha

simply gorgeous.

5. there's this other black leather-strapped dk watch that i've got my eye on.. has crystals on it too.. but can't find the pic so heck.

it's kinda late now.... gotta go visit the Z monster!!

bye!!

A day out with pokster!

2005-12-02T09:23:00.000-08:00

A day out with my bestie. And all i can say is..................... it's been a very long time since i have shopped in such an apologetic manner - having to constantly apologize for my shopping partner who seems to drop every single accessory in the shop is indeed a humbling experience.

We have termed this disease of hers as DES - Drop Everything Syndrome.

On Monday i'll be shopping with my other bestie - hers is a refreshingly different syndrome altogether. It's called the "AcK-i-can't-get-this-ring-off-my-finger-SAVE-ME!" Syndrome. Wahahhaa. i've got such marvelous schmucks as friends...gee.

2005-12-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

after being like this for the past two weeks,

i'm extremely happy to announce that i have been officially de-nerded today! wheee!!!

but at the same time, freedom gives rise to boredom which in turn generates eccentricity within me.

so i start thinking about lots of things that i shouldn't think about too much. things like:

what if things have changed?

i'm so mediocre it's disgusting.

what am i good at, really? nothing.

where have these friends gone? or maybe it's just because i wasn't good enough a friend to begin with.

you're my pillar of support in times of adversity - how am i going to cope when you leave?

why is everyone so competitive?

why do i feel so oppressed by her when she says those things?

~~why is my hamster cage so smelly?~~

so there... i really should busy myself instead of feeding on such negative thoughts....... be constructive esther, be constructive. owell.......... owell.

on the bright side, i'm going out with pokster tmr! haven't seen her since she left for aust on 11feb! so.. yayay! and i'm visiting city harvest church this saturday with ailin sherina simon and partners, and i bought two gorgeous white bikinis super cheap a couple of days back, and the salesgirl who kept staring at my stomach today said my stomach was superultraflat and toned, and the auntie at the calculator shop yesterday said i was pretty even though i had a huge wart-like zit on my face. i choose to believe it was not sales talk. hahahhaa.

Anyways, that's all the happy things i can think of right now.... sigh. back to the hamster duo again. i live vicariously through my hamsters.

i'm such a loser.

2005-11-29T01:39:00.000-08:00

i feel...................really evil right now.

unless you have a cute and lovable face, stay far far far far away from me... or i might just:

smear you with the smelly pus in my larger-than-life pimple
pinch the hair follicles out of you
scream very loudly that you have something stuck in your teeth so that everyone around can hear (oh wait a minute, already done that)
puncture any half exposed boob > A cup with a mechanical pencil and let your boob die of lead poisoning so that you have to cut it off and never grow boobs again
and if you talk too much, i'll staple your lips

i believe i'll feel much less irritable after the income tax paper tomorrow.. tax is really getting on my nerves.

2005-11-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

i should kill my two newly acquired hamsters, because they take up so much of my time.

but then i wouldn't know what to do with the rest of the hamster feed, or the bathing powder, or the toilet sand... or the cage, for that matter.

so i guess i'll just have to find a way NOT to be lured to them all the time - maybe i should be caged instead of them. caged with my intellectual foods. that way i'd stop getting distracted, and i doubt those thankless hamsters would come to visit me anyway. i'm like their unpaid and under-appreciated maid - All they do is eat sleep pee shit and try to escape. Ingrates.

2005-11-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

i'm borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreddddddddddddddddddddd

i'm booooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeddddddddddddddddddddddddd

BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

right then, let's start thinking of what to do after the exams..

Apply for PR status in pok's house - let's watch all those unintelligent sappy pansy korean drama vcds! wahaha. plus, remember that i've booked one shopping tower in orchard for our shopping spree, so you can't enter that particular mall until i've been liberated from my academic hell ride!
Visit the zoo for some solid re-acquaintance with mutha nature.
Exercise those chunks of flesh off my thighs in a way that won't decrease my humble chest size.
Shop for 10-inch skirts to flaunt my to-be-toned legs. haha ok kidding. 12 inch then.
Be a personal slave for my boyfriend until his ACCA exam ends. THEN, muahaha.. reversal of roles my man, reversal of roles.

That's all i can think of now.. Will update this entry when i get bored again. For now, let's groovy back to Page 364 of Fundamentals of Corporate Finance.

2005-11-19T04:18:00.000-08:00

absolutely the cutest thing i've seen all day!

2005-11-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

today marks the end of project mania.

i feel as though i've just walked out of a valley of incessant torment to the light. oh wait hang on a sec, not really. exams are still closing in on me in a week..... gah.

but really, projects completely sap my brains and bones dry... im so glad they're over.

on to happier things! today, in celebration of the end of project mania, i watched harry potter with him!!!!! yippeee. i loved the show!! problem is, now i can't seem to concentrate on my books...each time i attempt to read the text, they turn into a whirlpool of brooms, dragons and sorcerers. yippee...great.

ok mum's making me eat bee hoon for dinner now.. i don't like bee hoon. owells. gootbye!

2005-11-05T23:00:00.000-08:00

hey all, i'm back! :)

to all who gave me a pat on the back and encouraged me when i was down over the past week, just wanna say a big thank you. you guys know who you are. things are much better between us now after we sorted out our differences - i'm a happier girl now. once again the sky is blue and the grass is green. yippee.

anyway, the last few weeks in school were crazy. so after the tax test on friday, i decided that today i should take a well-deserved break. And so we went out on a date today! ahahha. it was fun, but strenuous on our wallet and legs - we went on an eating and shopping spree. didn't reap much harvest though. haha.. he got a faded fcuk jeans and i got a top from topshop. and that's it. we were exhausted just like that! oh, and we went to gstar to find me a pair of washed-out jeans.... but i was too fat for the cutting. what the heck. and it's like friggin' $285??? guess i'll just work out during the hols and hopefully by christmas, it'll be a perfect fit. hee hee.

aside from that, tomorrow is gonna be a stark contrast from today man. gee... after church i've got cat meeting in school... gargh... the thought of spending a glorious sunday in school repulses the living daylights out of me!!!!!!!

owells.

alrighty... photos up in a moment!

2005-11-05T07:41:00.001-08:00

all set for a day out!!!

2005-11-05T07:41:00.000-08:00

2005-11-05T07:24:00.000-08:00

Lunch at taka - swiss german sausage bar. because i said i felt like having sausages for lunch. lol.

2005-11-05T07:22:00.000-08:00

somebodaay looks hungaaryyy....

2005-11-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

my fooood is finally here! :))

2005-11-05T07:19:00.000-08:00

lunch! pork garlic sausage & rosti.. yum.

2005-11-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

cheers to a wonderful day spent.

2005-10-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

and so begins the build up of detachment and animosity with every passing minute.

your indifference amazes me.

2005-10-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

i still take out our old letters and smile as i read them.

still browse through our old website to see the sweet entries posted for each other

still look at emails you sent when you were courting me

but i guess i'm the only one doing it, and the knowledge of that robs me the joy of reminiscing. instead, it leaves me the bitter taste of pain and wistfulness.

i'm trying hard to relive the happy times... the happy days that we have let slip so carelessly. but these memories are replayed in my mind...and my mind alone.

loneliness is something i'm bad at handling.

once u told me u thought u were the luckiest guy in the world to have me; now u make me feel like i'm your greatest curse.

don't feel like saying anything else anymore. u don't read my blog anyway.

2005-10-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

i miss the old times so much.

2005-10-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

i feel sad and alone.

if this is meant to be love, then i don't need any of it. infatuation would be enough for me - it all goes downhill after that.

i hate being taken for granted.

2005-10-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:3,9

Indeed Lord, your grace is sufficient for me.

This morning i went down to school for to film a video for one of my projects.. special thanks to cww, haha.. for being my very competent camera man.. wouldn't have been able to shoot the video without your help.

well, other than that, it's been a great but busy week.

To pok: guess you're in the middle of your exams now yeah? I do hope you're feeling better emotionally, and just to let you know, you're constantly in my thoughts. :)

Oh, and know what, ever since the start of this sem, i've either been falling sick/falling down/kicking something and cutting or bruising my feet EVERY SINGLE WEEK!!!!!!!!!!! seriously, AT LEAST once a week. It's a phenomenon.

so currently, i'm having a gum problem. my gum is damn swollen, and the stuuuuuuupid bf of mine had the cheek to ask me is it because i didn't brush my teeth. *shoves satay sticks up his nose* hahaha. so anyway, i brush my teeth religiously every morning and night okay.. but somehow i just have a swollen gum at the back of my mouth. gah. wonder what's next week's mishap. erk, ok i take that back -- enough is enough.

i want HEALTH. and lots of it!!!!

2005-10-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

i'm devastated.

the good ol' brother of mine fell asleep on my bed and drooled a patch of saliva into my favorite pillow!!!!!!!!!!

argghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i measured the patch with a ruler - it has a diameter of 8cm.

i want to cry...

i'm just wondering how i can possibly hug my pillow in peace without imagining that i might be breathing in the vapour of his dried saliva, or of the sight of the saliva-soaked cotten within my pillow.

we all know dried saliva smells fantabulous. i'm watching the patch dry up on my pillow now and am feeling completely helpless...

my poor pillow.....

2005-10-15T12:39:00.000-07:00

a picnic by the beach.

Psalm 23

2005-10-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not be in want.

He make me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.

Lately i've been feeling mentally exhausted--it seems like i'm always trying to race against time.

I badly want add variety and colour to my insufferably dull life, but simply don't have the capacity to. Looking at others manage multiple activities concurrently brings me a deep sense of shame and frustration with myself. More so, watching him struggle to juggle his work, studies, family, health and me just intensifies my existing frustration and drenches me in helplessness.

By now, i should know better to do things by my own strength. But oftentimes i still commit that mistake.

God, take over.. and make things beautiful again...

2005-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

my birthday flowers.. from the sweetest friends.

2005-10-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

30 Sept - At Olio with Chloe, Sherina , dorcas and Ailin.
Thanks for all the planning and conspiring (haha) to make my birthday a memorable one.
(not forgetting simon & yang - thanks you guys)
Love yall loads!

(for details about the birthday flower surprise, see sherina's blog - 01 October post)

2005-10-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

i feel shitty.

don't know what im doing studying and trying so hard for. i detest the system; more so, i detest the way this society functions. yet i've no choice but to conform.

this isn't the way we were meant to live.

i wish the world would just fall asleep. so i can retreat into a timeless place - a place that relieves me from all the tension and pressure that is building up within me.

Cinderella Man

2005-09-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today, i cried a few times. And for a worthy cause.

I'm convinced no show i've watched (and believe me, i've caught a fair bit of shows) comes close to this one.

It's a show about the resilience of the human spirit, of love, of courage, and of hope.

It's a story of how far a man would go to keep his family warm and safe, and how the fighting spirit of one man inspired a whole nation.

It's a tale of how the underdog brought the crowd to its feet, exploding in cheer.

The movie is based on a true story, and perhaps that was the reason that made every heartbreak and every victory so real to me, and stirred such a great torrent of emotions within me.

I present to you, my movie of the year---The Cinderella Man.

I don't usually recommend shows, because i'm too lazy to. But this one truly deserves your time. I can only hope that my introduction to the show does justice to it.

Before i end off, here are some pictures taken from the official website. Happy viewing, and please do catch the show. I promise you, you'll love it.

surprise surprise.

2005-09-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

i know i said i was going to close this down, but someone said something really disgusting and i just had to let it out. Especially those of you from VJC 02S1E, or anyone who knows LI ZISHENG and are well-acquainted with his disgusting tendencies (you poor things).

For those who have no idea who li zisheng is, this probably wont amuse you the way it did me, but for your benefit, this is how he looked like the last time i saw him (which was just a couple of months back):

No, he's not the handsome chap on the left.
He's the fella wearing the fcuk shirt.

Yes, malnutritioned, i know.

Well, he's temporarily back in singapore from his Thailand training. Maybe it's the rice there, or maybe its the weight-gainer powder from GNC, but this is what he reported to a very skeptical me just minutes ago.

And lucky lucky you have the honor, or misfortune, whichever you deem fit, of reading the uncensored conversation that took place.

Here goes.

zisheng says: I PUT ON 6 KG!

zisheng says: i m like so hunky now.....

zisheng says: u got miss me anot?

zisheng says: quick, say yes!

estherryyy - a picnic by the beach. says: you put on six kg??

estherryyy - a picnic by the beach. says: your pants 5 kg your shoes 1kg right

zisheng says: of coz not!

zisheng says: 6 kg of muscles!

zisheng says: i got chest now ok........ got cleavage somemore...

zisheng says: my god... i love it...

i don't know about you, but this got me laughing for a good one minute.

right.. back to work.... whoopie.

ps. this conversation was posted with permission from the ~~pervert~~ man himself.

2005-09-02T03:22:00.000-07:00

dear world,

just so you know, i am going to close down my blog.

perhaps seven days from now.

yours truly,

esther

colours that i've added to your day,
i can add no longer
my life is grey
my mind broken
stories no longer flow
from this empty heart of mine

2005-08-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

school starts tomorrow.

one word.

dread.

i dread having to attend those seemingly unending lectures, rush to meet project deadlines, see people i'm not enthusiastic to meet, everything and i really mean EVERYTHING about school irks the hell outta me now. ARGH!!!!!!!!

2005-08-17T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

Who am I to judge?

The same selfishness I despise in others—I see mirrored in my actions.

The same self-righteousness I abhor in others—I discover lodged in my innermost thoughts.

The same air of arrogance I chastise others for in my heart—it hangs like a mist over my head.

So who am I to judge?

If I could do it all over again, I would do it differently;
that in place of this shame and regret,
I might find the confidence to hold my head up high under the eyes of scrutiny.

My brother, the Ego Monster

2005-08-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

.
.
you saw the title above?
.
.

it's true.

.
.

My brother's name is czekin.

Just yesterday, he asked me a question.
.
.
.
.
.
czekin: what do you call "ugly czekin"?

me: er.. you?

czekin: wrong! *smirk*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
czekin: it's called an oxymoron.

NOW do you believe me when i say he's egoistic?

A post for you

2005-08-11T10:18:00.000-07:00

just in case you flood melbourne with your tears, here's one to stop it.

i'll write back soon. or email. i love you pok.

2005-08-06T02:32:00.000-07:00

Met up with Jac & Fon on wednesday to catch up over dinner at the esplanade..Some things can be picked up where they were left behind.

Jac the Branded , The De-moled, and me

my two lovely little pixies

A piece of art we found at the esplande walkway. Serious.

Pic taken at smu city campus. Library. Big library. Me Jas JC Sherina Douglas. I'm too lazy to type anything else. QM has evaporated my brain juices.

Another purpose for this entry, is to tell you that i don't want a fight. my silence does not represent any intention of starting a cold war. perhaps right now i'm just clumsy in handling the situation, but i really am trying to find the grace within myself to overcome the emotions that keep pushing me to the corner of blame and bitterness. i don't write this in condemnation, because i know i still love you as i always have. but yet i struggle seeing the changes in you; subtle as they may seem to you, they are glaring in my eyes. perhaps, like a close friend said, it's hard to see something you so precious to you get tainted. because to me, your apparent gradual liberalization of values taints my perfect image of you. But more so, it is difficult seeing myself being slowly replaced by strange faces. as i hear less from you and more about them, it's easy to feel forgotten. and that's not a feeling i like. Because while short, intermittent absences make the heart grow fonder, prolonged ones breed distance and unfamiliarity.

so what i'm trying to say is, right now i'm still grappling with my thoughts and feelings, and i have no intention to offend, nor ruin a friendship we've seeded and watered all these years.

your message lies saved in my inbox, read and re-read, to convince myself of my worth.

-Tag Replies-

2005-07-30T22:11:00.000-07:00

to Ophelia: Hey girl, saw your blog entry.. omg felt like crying when i saw it.. and i'll miss you so much too. and you're so sweet to write that. would miss your fishie too if it were still alive.. hmm. come to think of it......... YOU DIDN'T EAT YOUR FISH, RIGHT????? haha k nvm, i dun wanna know. lol

to Gerard: Heyyy... firstly, you flooded my tagboard!!!!!!! arghhh!!! haha.. anyway i'd love a picture of kate!! haha preferably without you in it. lol just kidding. Just wanna say a big thanks to you for your support and encouragement when i was feeling low. Although we didn't managed to talk much, anD ALTHOUGH you almost succeeded in KILLING ME with a FLYING FLAG POLE, i will still remember the times when you were sweet, sensible and sensitive. Thank you for being my friend, and i wish the very best for you and your family.

to Voce: hahahahha!! you should have heard her screaming into the phone when she just found out about it, the defenceless being.

to Sherina: shuddup. haha.

to Mandy: yep that's pegggyyyy!!!!!! haha she was your PE HOD right? she's v nice. very very. very very very. oh and know what, you wanted to see a picture of my brother right? it's coming up soon! though he doesn't look that great in it, but oh well. that should deflate his ego a little.

to Mystred: heyy. i'm sorry i missed your comment on one of the older entries. Replied you there already :)

To Sherlynn: got it, thanks.

Coming up, a few pictures taken pretty recently.

taken from the better end of the table. hahahha

me and my two oldest friends, plus one lousy photographer.

there you have it. me, mian, lene, and the haolian brother of mine. the four of us go an incredibly long way back. our first form of communication to each other were probably unintelligible gurgles and grunts.

As i'm typing this, there are rainflies landing on my back and crawling into my shirt. i'm going to murder them now. ciaoz.

game over

2005-07-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

okay, judging from the explosion of indignant exclamations on my tagboard, we can safely establish that our dear sherina has finally uncovered the atrocities committed against her.

Unfortunately, because she has restored her friendster to its original form, clicking on the link in the previous entry is not going to tickle you anymore.

but, for those of you who missed out on the fun, don't fret. because i will show you what i did.

haha.

basically, i just did one tiny harmless thing.

i changed her primary display photo.

I changed it....

from this,
(which is pretty boring we gotta admit)

to this.

NaW i'm just kiddin.
i wouldn't do that, would i? hahaha..

Now heRE's the picture i put as her display photo.

Is it cool or what!!!!!!!!

wheeeeee. no wonder her friendster viewership is up.

haha.. anyway, i just got home from lunch with all my lovely ex-colleagues.. they were so sweet, they held a farewell lunch for huifang and me. and they came all the way down to plaza sing from woodlands too.

so here are some of the pics. will post more of them when ophe sends me the rest..

Ophelia and me at Cartel

gluttons waiting for their food. hahah

Peggy and irwin grimacing at the camera. They refused to smile nicely for me. Too busy gorging themselves. Look at irwin--Chicken in one hand, Chicken in the other hand. Tsk.

Yay that's all of us, after a good meal. Gerard we missed you, where were youuuu.

The ladies. From left, Mae, Wailin, Huifang, the chio one, Ophelia, Jenny, and Peggy!!

I'll miss all of you. Thank you for your generosity, warmth and friendship. And thank you, most of all, for making me feel like a part of the family at sss.

ps. i changed the video in the sidebar. i like the song, i like the band, but i have no idea wassup with the aliens.

lookie hereeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-28T01:01:00.000-07:00

while sherina has yet to discover this, please check out her friendster now. and i really mean NOW. before she finds out what i did to it. quick quick quick!! go go!!!

Click here:
http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=2383546

dearest sherina,

please forgive me, for i know not what i do.

i promise you, in future, i will try not to laugh at your ibook which always trips up one way or the other. and also, next time, when you log into friendster using my com, remember to log out. because i cannot fight the mischief that bubbles and boils within me when i have unauthorized access to your account. i apologize for any mental trauma caused.

love as always,
esther.

Oops i did it again

2005-07-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Someone's going to kill me for making this entry, but i'm a survivor, so no fear. (anyway, that's what you get for using my laptop and leaving trails of your pics in my comp. heehee.)

So here goes.

People, can i ask you a question.

Have you seen anyone quite as ugly as this?

(i'm sorry sherina, i just HAD to do that.. hahahhahaha)
anyway i know you don't mind, since PJ already posted it up on her blog--i got it frm her blog; u left her url in my laptop, MUAHAHAHHAHAAH.

anyway, no pics of smu city campus for you guys yet, since the inefficient and forgetful sherina forgot about sending the pics.

was going to blog about something i discovered about myself, but its too lengthy, another day perhaps. i'm going to amuse myself with a video of comedian russell peters now. ciaoz! *maybe i'll update this post later*

Back to School

2005-07-26T22:37:00.000-07:00

Five hours of quantitative methods straight is no joke.

Plus i hate math.

The school campus is so big. Someone commented that it's a fortress. Yeah i agree, friggin fortress. I haven't figured out where's where yet. Might just get lost wandering about the school. Oh wait, i could even get RUN OVER by cars, since there are main roads running through the campus.

ah don't think im making any sense here; i'm beat. will post pictures we took at the new campus tmr WHEN SHERINA SENDS ME THE PICTURES. (SHERINA DO YOU SEE THIS? *sweet smile*) right i'm so so sleepy.

goodnight world.

2005-07-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

"If a guy so perfect, so pristine can hurt me so much, how about the rest of the male population? what chance is there? And that's when i think that, maybe a bad boy is better. Because with bad boys, you'll expect the hurts and agony anyway. But with good boys, you give everything to the relationship and when you finally get disappointed, you bleed yourself dry."

I read this on a friend's blog as i was blog browsing today... and what she wrote connected with me so deeply. but that is not to say that i doubt him now.. it may still represent my innermost fears, but we have agreed to move forward and leave the wrongs we both did to each other behind.. i see the effort he's putting into making things right for us.. his constant reassurance to keep my fluctuating emotions and insecurities at bay.. i wish i wasn't like this. i wish i was confident of myself and of him.. and i guess right now the only way is to look to god to change me and remove all my doubts and insecurities..

on a lighter note, i've stopped work as of Saturday.. and today i'm just bumming around waiting for school to start tomorrow(i'm taking qm for 3b)... part of me misses the people at my workplace, but the rest of me is pretty much relieved that my duties are over.. the last couple of days were really boring and stressful.. racing against time doing something so repetitive..

last night i was particularly upset over a certain matter. initially i told myself not to be bothered about it and was preparing to go to sleep. but as i was brushing my teeth, tears started streaming down my face.. i feel pathetic that i care so much about this, and i really wish i didn't, because it's not worth it to cry over this. but i really wanted someone to talk to, so i called him. though it was late and he had to get up early the next day, he patiently listened to me, offered gentle advice and soothed me.. he made lame jokes that fell flat but continued to try till i cracked a smile.. and by the time i felt better, he only had three hours left to crash out. it's little things like this that endear him to me.. because he'd go a mile further than any other friend would.

as i'm blogging i suddenly realise that it's 12.49pm and i haven't had breakfast. shall shoot off to the kitchen now. tataz

2005-07-25T02:17:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: September 30

Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness.

You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable.

You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words.

You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic.

You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller.

Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue.

There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work.

You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

It's a madhouse

2005-07-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Let's see.

Today, these are the things i did:

1) Collect application forms from receptionist (40 pcs)

2) Find application forms on my desk (A godzillion pcs)

3) Data Entry

4) Data Entry

5) Data Entry

6) Data Entry

7) Collect more application forms from the receptionist (another obscene number of pcs)

8) Data Entry

9) Data Entry

10) Pee

11) Data Entry

12) Data Entry

13) Complained to somebody

14) Resumed Data Entry

15) Water my eyeballs with Eye-Mo

16) Squint at computer screen.. more Data Entry

17) Data Entry

18) Rushes home

just swap those boxes with application forms, and i'm that donkey dangling up there.

to a certain you.

2005-07-19T20:31:00.000-07:00

i don't know why it bugs me so much, but it just does.

you're changing, you're becoming just like all the rest. you look like you're having fun. lots of fun. a new type of fun. you and your new friends. maybe i'm jealous, maybe i'm not. maybe i'm just sad that i can't find the same person i hold so dear in my heart. maybe i'm scared that i've lost you, maybe i'm hurt that you've seemed to forget my existence. maybe i'm angry and indignant that i still wonder how you're doing but i don't cross your mind often. maybe i haven't been talking to you for fear that i might blurt it all out. or maybe i'm still stung by our last conversation. maybe i'm just thinking too much and you are really still the same. maybe, maybe.

blur blur us

2005-07-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

today, my whole head was filled with mucus, coz the past five days or so, i've been down with the flu. i've tried self medication to no avail, so i've finally paid my doctor his long-overdue visit.

as i type this, i'm wondering if i should go to work tomorrow. the doctor gave me an mc for tomorrow. but absencing myself from work tmr would mean an opportunity cost of $9 an hour.. that would be a loss of 72 bucks within a day. oh well, see how it goes tmr morning. if i wake up feeling as i did this morning--like someone threw an axe at my head, i'll spend the day in bed recuperating.

anyway, today wei was really nice to me. he picked me up early from my workplace to send me home so i could rest. but then he forgetfully left his wallet in my bag, and had to drive all the way back from novena to my house in tampines to get it. then he decided that he might as well send me to the docs. so that's what he did. guess what?

this time, I, forgetful careless clumsy me, left my handphone in his car!!!!!!!!!! argh!!! so again, he had to drive from novena back to tampines to return my hp to me..that was just 10 minutes ago. And he was still grinning at me when i last saw him.. not a word of complaint. Thanks da. i appreciate everything you do, big or small, skinny or fat! Now he's driving back home i guess.. he's been on the road for a long time now, and i hope he'll reach home safely. keep feeling strange today.. like as if something bad's gonna happen. maybe i'm just overly worrisome because im pmsing with all the bad lousy hormones circulating in my blood. whatever the case, better pray more.. *god pls keep watch over him i only have one wei wei pls keep him in one piece thanks & amen*

2005-07-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

This was taken at sherina's birthday party.. haha.. well i kinda cropped somebodaye outta the picture.. not that he belonged there anyway. hiaks. oops that was kinda mean..

Anyway.. that's me, simon, ailin, chloe, sherina & dorcas for you.. i love these people to bits. they make my smu days so much fun just by being themselves.

Ailin, for having that weird voice of hers and her quiet understanding ways.

Sherina, for being kukoo emotional talkative swakoo whiny and kiasu

Chloe, for being my third mother. lol. sherlynn's my second.

Simon, for being an idiot.

Dorcas, for her warm personality, sunshine smile and optimism.

i love you guys.