i confuse myself with the things i do.

i told myself i'd never subject myself to this.. but look, i've let you off the hook so easily. just what am i doing?

i know i softened, because you seemed so sincere and repentant. but everytime something reminds me of it, i find that sour taste in my mouth and an unpleasant mixture of suppressed anger, fear, and sorrow surges within me. i dont want to recall that feeling. but it keeps coming back to haunt me. i know you're trying your best, which is why i try to be happy.

but deep down im not.

there are other thorny issues that mangle this relationship... issues that inject nagging fear and confusion and mammoth complications. i'm scared of what will come next month.. if you get accepted, which you most probaby will, what should i do? end it once and for all? or devote everything i have and summon up all the faith i can muster to bring us through your three years of absence? is it worth it? i don't want to be left with nothing but a heart that has been trodden all over.